I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
