Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
