Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
