she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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