we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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