Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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