does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
