I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
