xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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