Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
