just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
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