he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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