mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
