party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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