That's when you crack a 10am beer
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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