Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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