Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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