Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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