I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
