did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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