She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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