there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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