"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The ass gains better be worth it
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