Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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