Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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