When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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