first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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