Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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