I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
