if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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