Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
