My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
