i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
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I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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