I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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