before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
