I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i think i have two assholes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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