he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
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Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
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Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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