Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
