what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
