i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
