so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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