I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
