I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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