I think my fart just growled at me.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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