non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
