Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
