NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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