...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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