My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
