you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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