Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
