Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
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Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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