"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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