Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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