We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
