Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
